He Won't Go
by LarkInRequiem
Summary: A post 5x03 oneshot. Kurt and Blaine discuss how to cope with Finn's death and move on. Also, some Blaine POV we didn't get in the episode. TW: talk of Finn's death and angst.


**A/N: **So, this is my first post on this account. I totally lost access to my old one, which I had for like 4 years. So, here we are. New pen-name, new fandoms, totally new me. Yay!  
Anyway, this idea struck me during last nights episode, and I thought it would be a good test post before I start uploading the multi-chapter fic I'm working on at the moment. I'm sorry if it seems choppy or anything, I've been up all night and it really is just word vomit.  
I hope you like it though, because I really did want some more POV into how Kurt and Blaine were dealing with this as a couple.

xoxox- _Lark_

* * *

"I thought it was you."

Kurt blinked himself out of that far-away, hazy state of mind he had drifted off to, thanks to the rhythmic and soothing sound of Blaine's heart under his ear and his strong fingers carding gently through his hair. He'd been so far gone he thought for a minute there that Blaine's voice was simply a symptom of his tired brain playing tricks on him. But, then he opened his eyes a little wider and looked around to remember that Blaine was indeed there, and they were surrounded by the familiar atmosphere of Kurt's old bedroom.

"What's that?" Kurt asked him in a voice raspy from lack of use and intervals of crying. He turned his head upward, keeping his ear planted on Blaine's chest and arm curled up over the warm curve of his stomach.

"When the call came in, when this all started…I thought it was you," Blaine clarified. His eyes were gentle on Kurt's, pupils wide with affection as he looked down at him. His hold around Kurt's back was secure, while his fingers danced on the arch of his hip where they rested. It was that impossible comfort that Kurt had been needing since this all happened.

"You mean you thought I was…?" Kurt asked, though he honestly couldn't bring himself to finish the rest of that sentence.  
Blaine nodded somberly as he sucked in a sudden and shaky breath. Kurt watched as the very edges of his eyes glistened with unshed tears, not an uncommon sight these days, and it made his heart clench in a painful way. How much longer till he got to see those eyes without a film of grief over them?

"I uh…I was home," he began, eyes flickering over to Kurt's hand as he reached over and started to stroke absently over the back of it. "And you…remember how you couldn't give me your usual goodnight call that night…because you were working late?"  
Kurt nodded quietly as he watched Blaine speak.

"Well, your dad…he's the one who told me. He probably called me right after you. And…when your dad called he…he was distraught, you know? The only thing I…I got from the conversation was that there had been…an accident…a _bad _one…and that someone was gone."  
Blaine took in a breath like his lungs had been empty for the longest time and Kurt felt the arm around his back pull him just a little bit tighter.

"His voice was cracking and shaking and I know he probably did say Finn's name but it was impossible to hear right then with how upset he was. And…and I asked him to repeat it but he said something about Carole needing him and that he had to go."  
My eyes swept over his face as his own were trained down, swimming with a whole mixture of emotions: sadness, fear, grief, loss.

"I did call you, though," Kurt offered quietly.  
Blaine huffed out a quiet laugh as his eyes moved back up and locked with Kurt's. "You _did _call me. About…fifteen minutes after that. You have…no idea how relieved I was to hear your voice...even with the news you gave me. I was just so…damn thankful that you were there."  
His thumb brushed over the ring resting on Kurt's finger, right where it had been since he placed it there those few weeks ago, though somehow now it seemed like a century had passed since then.

"For a fraction of a second, for this tiny little slice of time, I thought that…that I had lost you. I thought that you just…didn't exist anymore. Just like that. And…I swear to God Kurt, that hurt like…nothing else I'd ever felt before."  
His fingers moved back over the back of his hand in random patterns as he collected his thoughts, and Kurt quietly waited for him to finish

"What would I do, Kurt? What…what would I do if you weren't here…alive? I don't…I don't think I could handle that. Losing Finn already hurts so much, I couldn't even begin to comprehend what I would do if it were you. I'd be…just like Rachel right now. "  
Kurt had to take a moment to collect himself, because knowing that that night…that awful night, Blaine felt like he was alone for that little bit of time…that killed him. He'd be hysterical, inconsolable if it were Blaine. He know he definitely felt like falling apart when he heard about Finn but…Rachel had that covered for him and he had reigned himself in as best he could for her. One of them had to be strong and he knew it had to be him.

"I wanted it to be," Kurt finally said after a long silence and pressing his head back to Blaine's chest. He held tight to his middle as he closed his eyes and took a steadying breath.

"What?" Blaine asked, voice laced with mild shock and confusion.  
Kurt shook his head and pinched his eyes shut as he started to feel that dull ache in his chest throb.

"I kept thinking…'Why can't it be me? Why did it have to be him? It should have been me.' Just over and over…I felt guilty and I know I had no reason to. But…seeing how much everyone is hurting…I still kind of wish I could go in his place, just to…stop the pain."  
The room fell silent after Kurt had finished speaking, and it was one of those thick silences that seemed to muffle out even ambient noise. He could feel Blaine's stomach moving as he breathed, and he momentarily considered asking him to say _something _just so the deafening quiet would stop.  
Rather suddenly he felt Blaine's hands slide off of him and move over to gently cradle his face. He looked up just as Blaine moved in and his lips pressed softly over his.  
It had been a while since Kurt had let Blaine kiss him. He'd been so…consumed by his grief and…trying to comfort everyone else that he'd sort of closed off to his own needs. It was easier that way, focusing on others instead of confronting that aching pain in his chest or how…bad everything just felt. But…this, this simple touch, this gentle kiss with the heat of Blaine's breath ghosting his cheek and the warmth of his hands touching his face so tenderly…it made him feel grounded…so safe from that hurt.

When Blaine pulled back Kurt's eyes opened and they flickered over Blaine's face. His eyes were still closed, dark lashes caressing his cheek and lips parted just slightly. He tilted his forehead against Kurt's and wound his arms back around him again.  
"Please," he pleaded a little breathlessly, "Never…_never _say that again. Never wish that on yourself. I want you here, with me for…the next 80 years, till we're old and gray and watching Project Runway reruns on TvLand."  
Kurt felt a laugh bubble up and leave his throat. It wasn't a belly laugh, or a loud one…but it was an honest laugh and it felt good to do that again, like a release of some kind.

"Why do you make me feel so good when I shouldn't be?" he murmured as he felt his own eyes close.  
Blaine took a large inhale and breathed out again, allowing Kurt to smell the faint scent of Blaine's spearmint toothpaste with a faint hint of coffee.  
"Finn wouldn't want that," he said. "He wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life grieving, or feeling guilty every time you start to feel good about something. I know it's hard, it's _really _damn hard and it's going to take a lot of time but…you are going to learn to be happy again, Kurt. You won't get rid of that hurt, but you'll make room for it. And I'm gonna put so much happiness in there with it that it will just…outshine that pain. I promise, Kurt. For better or for worse. I'm here."  
Kurt tried to take a breath, but in vain as he felt it catch in his throat as a sudden swell of emotion swam through him. He felt his eyes start to sting with the tears yet again and his face scrunched up as he let out a dry sob.

"I love you so much," he barely managed to choke out before burying his face in Blaine's shoulder and clutching his fingers to the fabric of his shirt. His tears poured out of him fairly easily, especially after holding them in all day or when anyone else was around. But…he was with Blaine now, alone, with the one person he trusted more than anyone else in the world. It was safe to cry now, to sob out all that pain with Blaine holding him close. Because, Blaine was right, he knew that. He'd never stop missing his brother. Never. But, what going through this once before has taught him was that he had reasons to be happy, and he had things to keep him going, and that as long as he kept Finn's memory alive…he'd never really be gone. He just needed time.  
"Never leave me," Kurt pleaded around a body-shaking sob. "Promise me that."  
Blaine tucked his nose into Kurt's hair as he let a few of his own tears slide out and he nodded immediately.

"Never, Kurt. Never."


End file.
